2018.2/3 雲上城堡

　　在東京的第一個學期結束了，其實去掉Seminar（ゼミ，研討課？）春假早在十二月初就開始了。日文可以說完全沒有任何進步，倒是英文口說稍微不那麼卡了。照這個進度下去，在早大畢業日文也是跟現在一樣差是非常有可能的事。這樣好像也沒關係，其實練好英文比起練好日文更符合我自己的希望。把日文練好就像遠方虛幻的雲上城堡，而把英文練好就像自己打造的小木屋，裡面有我需要的一切。

　　但不行這樣，我一定要把日文練好。因為我小學四年級實習老師說我一定會把日文學好。

　　我可以因為十歲聽到的這樣一句話，義無反顧地走到現在。我卻沒辦法說服明天早上的自己，早點起來寫故事、讀點什麼。真希望我現在的腦袋不要那麼清楚，不要把每件事情都計算的那麼精準，但我的腦袋必須那麼清楚。

　　只好折衷一點，有時候清楚一點，有時候則讓腦袋停擺，回到之前只按照感覺和毅力前進的時候。這大概就是雙重思想吧。

　　並不是五月天的〈倔強〉碰巧很像我的個性，而是〈倔強〉把那個十歲的我洗腦成這個樣子。

     The first semester in GSAPS was over. Actually, it had been already over for me since December. My Japanese ability did not improve at all. Ironically, my English speaking was a little bit better than before. It is highly possible my Japanese ability would be still as poor as now after graduation. Maybe it doesn’t matter. Deep in my heart, I prefer to improve my English than my Japanese. Improving Japanese ability is just like a castle in the cloud. Improving English ability is like a warn little house you built by yourself.

     But this is not how it should be. I should improve my Japanese ability, because my teacher in elementary school believed that someday I would learn Japanese well.

     I could study Japanese almost 9 years for only few words from a teacher. However, I could not even make tomorrow me get up earlier to write some stories or read some books. I wish my brain could be less clear. But it has to be clear, doesn’t it?

     Maybe I would make something in between. Sometimes my brain could be clear, sometimes it could just stop as before. As flexible as doublethink.

     It’s not the song Stubborn(倔強) by Mayday sounds like me, but the song greatly influenced me when I was 10 years old.